This is where my thoughts go.....You're reading my mind!

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Friday, July 1, 2011

Bittersweet: The Longest Day

There was a time when men were kind, when their voices were soft, and their words inviting... Elaine Page's voice serenaded my ears like the soft breeze that blows through your hair on a fictional happy day. Swoosh. Only it wasn't a happy day. The longest day, it was. The longest of days, the sourest of days. It caused a feeling in my body. For the first time in my life, I couldn't describe a feeling. But I would give it a shot. The strangest, yet ever so familiar feeling. A feeling in both hands. A feeling of hurt, pain, weakness, failure...confusion. Maybe it was one or all of these things. But that was the feeling. Perhaps, the confusion I am faced with at attempting to describe what went through my body at the time is a reflection of these feelings. Sorry. I keep rambling on about my "feelings" and I knowingly shy away from the event. Maybe I am ashamed at myself. Maybe I should have done something differently. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things, this worries me.


The Sun's golden crisp shone in my face that morning. It was a bright, bright day! I am pretty sure there was no Sun, maybe my happiness at the events of that day came across as golden rays of the Sun. Such loveliness, I thought. I had a feeling that the day would end just as it started. Oh, heavens, was I wrong. There's something about me you should know. I am the kind of girl to turn away from girlish items. But today was a different day. I was going to see Craig again. He makes me so happy, and that's why the Sun in my soul shines when he is nigh, when he calls, when he e-mails. When I think about him. Well, you know what? Where there was an aura of Craig, there was sunshine.


At every passing hour, I would stare at the clock. 12 o'clock, hurry up, tick, tock, tick, tock. I couldn't hold my excitement in. It was an overwhelming feeling. I haven't the slightest idea why I was so excited, to be honest. Actually, I do know why. I wouldn't have been excited, had I foreseen the ending of that day. The one thing I regret. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I really shouldn't regret it. I don't know - you tell me. 


The hour finally arrived. Step. Step. Step. Step.  I walked to the bus stop and waited for just two minutes. My God, wasn't everything just going my way?  I wanted this to remain. If only wishes came true. After forty minutes of endless hmm, I wonder what's going to happen today thoughts, I arrived at my destination. 


I know what you're thinking. Can't she just get through the bullshit and tell us the story. Humans. Where is your virtue of patience? Oh, forgive me. I tend to take my anger out on those non-deserving of it. I do apologise.


Well, the day was great. Craig was happy to see me. The way his hands were wrapped tight around my mes-endomorph body suggested that he was in dire need of a hug. How pleased I was to provide this comfort. We talked a lot, about the most random things in the world. Things that "fun" people probably don't acknowledge. That is what I especially love about our relationship. Don't you ever sit down and wonder what it would be like to have a companion who liked the same things you did genuinely, a companion who you could sit with all day and enjoy each other's company despite the fact that you weren't speaking. That is exactly what Craig and myself have. And I love every bit of it. Every minute of it. If it were a song, it would be the greatest love song ever written. Why, you ask? Well, because our relationship has a balance. There are the happy moments and the sad moments. There is the love, and there are times we throw things because we just can't stand the other. There is mutual respect. Mother always said that for a couple to work, there had to be a mutual respect. That comes above loyalty, to be honest. If you don't respect each other, how ever do you expect to be loyal to one another? Think about it. There is a little bit of everything in our relationship, and that's what makes it worthwhile. But this day hurt me. It hurt me because it was the first experience of hurt between us both.


It wasn't a fight, no, no. It was an unseen tension. A misunderstanding unspoken. It just happened. And unfortunately for me, I could not, for the life of me, hide the disappointment in my soul. It showed on my face. It showed in my smile. My smile, the "deadest thing alive enough to have strength to die." I began to act sullenly all of a sudden. Because of the turning point. The bittersweet moment. I should have said sweet-bitter. Why, you ask? Well, if you paid attention, you'll know it turned from sweetness and playfulness to moroseness. To exaggerated reservedness. Yes, it hurt so much, my vocabulary must portray this.
I was hurt. For I knew not what I had done wrong. I knew not what I had said. But the atmosphere was cold from there onwards. Oh, hurtful. To this day, I believe what I did afterwards was the best thing to do. I said nothing. We sat there in silence for the next two hours. I fear that if I had said something, I would have worsened the situation. But then, what would I have said? Nothing, nothing at all.

*********
Maybe it was bittersweet after all. Craig still walked me to a distance after the bitter moment. And he held me tight. Tight, but cold. Yet, it meant something. It had to mean something. I may be wrong, though. Oh well, I thought, I hope we get past this. Clearly, we did. But a number of things happened before we got to where we are now. Perhaps, that's another story for another day.


On the hour long journey home, my sadness was as vivid in appearance as a spectre in a dark room. Like Mr. Lockwood saw when he spent the night in Catherine's old room. You should be able to imagine how I looked then. Ghastly. Ghastly, ghastly. 


So visible, my little one said to me as I walked through the door, "you seem sad". So sad I was, that I hurriedly growled, "I'm fine!", in quite an unmannerly manner. To this day, I hope she forgave me. See, I never knew because my little one left us on the wings of a dove the morning after. The saddest moment of my life. Rest her soul.
I hated Craig right after. I put the blame on him. I shouldn't have, because I soon realised that it was no one's fault. The unflinching rigour of Time had fled to our abode. Oh well, my soul sighed. 


Later that day, I started to think a string of thoughts.  
Why did what happened happen? Could I have done anything to prevent it?
Maybe I could have, I just couldn't tell him the truth at that point. Well, why didn't you tell him the truth? Maybe I was scared! Oh, fie! Scared, of what?! Oh dear, oh dear.
Maybe I was over-thinking things, you know? Maybe he had a lot of things on his mind and I felt it. I felt it but I could do nothing. Maybe I'm just over-thinking. I must be. I must apologise. No, no! Apologise for what? What exactly? You haven't done anything wrong. He should have discussed with you. Yes, yes, he should have.


The little devils rendered my little head over capacity. I let out a wild cry to let them out. I couldn't hack it anymore. With my hands over my ears, and my head shaking vigorously, I let the devils out and decided that it was just one of those things. A long prayer helped calm me down that night. And I had a good night's sleep.


A long day it was. The longest day. 


...I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed... And Elaine Paige's voice faded as the memory skipped out of my head and into the meadows.
Afrigator