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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Friend Zone vs. Tech Support Zone, Amongst Other Zones



.So there's been a lot of discussion on twitter lately about Friend Zones. I'll explain what it is in this post and share a few experiences. YEAAAH!

 What is a Friend Zone? You know how we all came to this world alone, knowing no one except maybe our immediate family? Ehen. As you grow older you begin to meet people(your age, younger or older) and some of them become your friends.





A friend zone is the place one of your friends(or in my case, majority), usually the opposite sex(but we know there are gay people and people are attracted to all sorts of animals this days) has decided to lock you in. A friend zone is that place where you get no action. If you like spend all your money on chyking, it will blow like the European economy. Basically, girls want you to be in this zone because you're 'cute' or some other vague reason that makes you blush all the time :$.

Basically ehn, when you eventually catch feelings for that friend and you tell her, she'll say "Let's not complicate things. Let's just be friends".

  Dear Senators of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, I am straight as a tangent. I remain loyal to the peace and unity of the country. *Salutes and sings national anthem*





  "Tell her you like her, you can never know"

 This is a lie from the abysall pit of hell. Classic example. I went and did oversabi and told this babe I liked her and she sent me a smiley ":)". You know, me sef I was now feeling giddy now. Next week, I took the oversabi further and went to ask for reply. You know what it is na "Let's just be friends". WHAT DO YOU MEAN LET US BE FRIENDS? AMADIOHA AND SANGO WILL BE YOUR FRIEND!

 The babe wasn't this kind of people who reply SMSes fast. It's all these 3-5 day SMS reply window sometins. So you'll be waiting and your mind will be messing with you. Olorun o ni je. Anyways, prior to the "let's be friends" friend-zoning, I was using my visafone that time and you know how expensive visafone is. Just a waste of quality money.



Oh and for some reason, she's not in your class/major/whatever so you guys are basically like this:



 I swear I was in love for an entire month!

 There was this other one, that I went to do oversabi again. As in this oversabi was at 25 on the oversabi scale of 1-10. For people who know me, you know how I protect my laptop. I used to give this babe my laptop for an entire day. I mean, it was that real. So I did the "tell her you like her" oversabi and got locked in the friend zone. She didn't even consider all the money I had spent buying plantain chips at the Tuck Shop :(



 But like @IAmWole says, the worst anybody can tell you is "No.". So you might as well end up miserable by trying :P

  Spoiler Alert: Shoutsout to Park from House for asking Chase out. MAY THE LORD BLESS WOMEN LIKE YOU

 This brings us to the tech-support zone

 If you're remotely good with technology, you'll have been in this zone many many times. It all starts with the random "Can you help me arrange things in Microsoft Word?". Then it moves to "Can you help me do my assignment online?"(walai, I've never done this one before). Before you know it, you'll hear "Can you help me get *insert artist you don't listen to here*'s album?". And after a while, you, as a maga will start catching feelings. She'll now begin the exploitation. "Can you help me get Titanic?". I mean I scoff at this movie everytime and I still went ahead and wasted my slow nigerian internet on a 700MB file. Those ones are even basic.

There are the people who won't use their head and just buy a Windows Pc or a basic media player. They'll be feeling hip and buy the Apple products they can't use. That time there was no iCloud. So you're the one up for half the night setting up the device and downloading apps from the App Store. Sometimes, you'll even attempt a jailbreak(bless you etisalat for cutting that babe's iPad bandwith the other time) and all you'll get is "thank you". Don't let me get started on the "My laptop charger has burnt" zone or the "My laptop isn't receiving files from my phone" zone.

The tech-support for tech-support zone

You know how the guy in Kanye's Lil Jimmy skit was the secretary to the secretary? Ehen that's how you'll be. For some reason, some technologically-ignorant babe picked a Computer Science course as a major. So now you guys are on Skype writing Java lines. It will never get to the next levl bro. Move on. Then there are the ones that go and start blogs. So your echofon message symbol turns blue and you're getting excited. Turns out someone wants you do get a hack done on their blog. So now they're chilling in their house and you're working as their programmer. Issokay. So this is how your life is now
I mean, a brother can't even get excited about a DM anymore :(

 I was at this tech event the other day and there were only 5 women out of like 110 people(Seriously ladies interested in technology you need to go for these events, brothers are getting bored). So after the event, everyone was talking to everyone else about their projects/ideas/whatever and I noticed that there were at least 10 guys that went and collected this super-fine girl's phone number. Me I was just feeling sorry for them. Those girls are the girls that will call you at 1AM and tell you to debug their code.

Then you'll solve all the problems while they push their app out and make a gazillion nylon bags of money. You're still struggling to pay for your starcomms subscription. Anu e se mi gann.

  Heads up! If a girl says she wants to tell you something and when you're having a face-to-face conversation, she says "I'll text/email you", my friend just delete it as soon as it comes in. It can never be good news 


The one-with-a-boyfriend zone My Lord these girls are the absolute worst. These girls are by far the nicest. They'll be nice to you oh and be selling you wink and kiss smileys on skype. Then after like two or three weeks you now ask if they have a boyfriend. They'll now say their boyfriend is in China. Why were you leading me on in the first place grinch? To prevent that send them this picture when next you get a wink:


What's with all the England babes?! 

 Statistics have shown that 1 in 4 relationship begins online and 3 out of 4 end online(but we don't care about that). There's also another study that shows that the 6 degree relationship angle that seperates one human from another is now down to 4 degrees(read more on the 6 degree patent here if you want to feel intellectual). So this means everyone we know knows everyone else who knows everyone else's friend's brother's sister's uncle's friend and we end up like this. 



Due to these connections, you're likely to meet more people(who have mutual friends with you) online than offline. And I'm not exaggerating this. 8 out of the 10 girls I meet are in England. WHY O WHY? Y U NO GO CANADA OR YANKEE OR GHANA OR COVENANT? Of the other 2, 1 is in Canada and the other is in the US. I have met only 1 Nigerian person in Nigeria so far. I mean wazzup witchu guys? 

No, I will not call you to look at the sunrise 

So someone went and brought out that "Oh Jerry" MTN advert on YouTube. You know the valentine one where the guy calls the babe and tells her to look out the window cos she's in sunshine. Bleh. Spits on floor. Na sunshine una dey chop? Will sunshine pay for your BIS? *Pukes* Oh. Bisola I have told you to buy a coke bottle because you are the caffeine in there and caffeine is my energy :P 


  When I hammer next year, I will not share my money with any of you friend zoners. Dazzall for today. 

 *Inserts awesome conclusion paragraph here* I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you that.................. May Your december be like this: :P



  I honestly forgot about the Bro Zone. Here's what it is basically:



And for #teamforever alone. Believe Me, I've tried doing this:



Seriously, checkout someecards when you're done reading this and my tumblr

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